Heartache, heartbroken, is just an everyday occurrence…

I’m totally lost for words.

Which is why it has taken me 4 days to write this…

So many things have been brought to light recently that I can’t seem to fully understand what is going on.

Since my illness which resulted in my becoming a wheelchair user I have lost everyone and everything I knew. My best friends which I lived with for a year – I spent everyday with them and we had so much fun and did so much together have disappeared. Since I was able to come back to Uni for a year I have seen then a total of 4pr maybe 5 times, in a whole year. It has been such a struggle and I am finding it really hard to deal with. Considering we spent everyday together and for now I am all alone. I live on my own and they have barely any contact with me, is heartbreaking.

We have now finished for the year and I messaged them as I always do, to see if they wanted to come round or if they wanted to do something together. They replied to say that they had already moved. The moved out of the area and didn’t even say goodbye.

I am totally confused and bewildered. I just can’t comprehend that people who I was so close to have just left me because I am in a wheelchair.

The past 2 years have been so hard for me. Not being able to do all the things I used to. Then having people totally ignore me because of it, has made me on edge.

I just thought friends would be there to support me through this very challenging times but obviously not. I have always heard the saying that you will know who your true friends are when something bad happens. This is so true and I honestly thought I had friends. I understand that I didn’t. They were only there when they needed help. I feel cheated. I have always been told I am too kind and caring and that people have seriously taken me for granted.

The past week has made me feel so confused with life. I feel so isolated and have no one to turn to.

I had an appointment with a specialist who said ‘see you in 4 months’… What is that supposed to mean. They sent me to him as I needed weekly sessions to talk things through and he has left me in the dark like everyone else…

With suffering with severe depression, anxiety and PTSD I have found myself constantly alone with my thoughts. I am worthless and helpless. People just don’t care for me anymore and I am finding this too much to deal with.

If anyone is out there please talk.

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I feel like my life is no longer possible to live…

I have been trying to battle through the pain, heart ache, the constant struggle but everyday I am getting closer to the end. I can’t bear it anymore.

My physical health has not improved. I don’t seem to be getting anywhere at all. Going round in circles with the health professionals, they refer me on to someone who refers me back. I want things to progress but I can’t seem to get anyone on board, as it has to be requested by someone… if only I could find that one person.

They just keep sending me on and when the referred person can’t do anything for me, that is the end. I really need help but no one seems to care.

I can’t get around. I can’t do what I loved. I can’t even go outside without help/support. I have real trouble with my balance and I fall out of my wheelchair. Constant struggle to get around and manoeuvre. I just want to get better or at least have some progress which I can physically see. It has been around 21 months and still no change. It is really taking its toll on me now.

Especially as I have been told my rehabilitation will not be until the end of the year or more realistically, won’t be until next year. I really can’t wait that long as I am seriously struggling with it all at the moment.

It isn’t just my physical health but my mental and emotional health are through the roof. I am at rock bottom and they are only giving me medication but I don’t want to take it when it is having no effect. I need someone to talk to but they aren’t letting me see anyone.

I am loosing the battle. No one cares. I want to get better but without the help and support I am only going downhill.

Why can’t I get access to the help I need? What more can life throw at me? I just want to get out.

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Yet another set back, not sure I can deal with any more of these…

The last few days, my mind has been ticking over constantly. It is getting relentless. I just don’t know what to think anymore…

I finally got my appointment after 4 months to see a professional to help see what therapy would be best for me to get. It has been a long time coming and although I was very apprehensive, I knew it meant I would finally be on the road to getting some help. Well that is what I thought…

I had to tell them, my story and what had happened the previous week, which no one knew about. I thought by getting things out in the open, then they would see I was in desperate need of some help.

The assessment was over and all that he suggested was more medication. Even though I took an overdose the week before, he is giving me more… I just don’t understand their logic. How many times do I have to say that I don’t want to take medication. I just want someone to talk through my pain and problems. Someone to guide me and help me.

Then he said we would have a review in 8 weeks time. Wow. That is definitely one way to make someone feel even worse, when they are already at rock bottom. I just don’t think they realise what, every set back in just getting help, really does to me.

It really is pushing me to the limit once again…

 

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I went to the extreme, even an OD didn’t take me…

What a week it has been. I hit rock bottom last week, which is why I haven’t blogged since. I couldn’t handle it anymore and had just had enough. I couldn’t deal with my thoughts or feelings.

I then tried to take it to the end. I have been prescribed medication to help me sleep – so took more then I should have. I overdosed and hoped it would relieve my pain. The next morning, I woke up, although I didn’t want to and now wish I hadn’t.

After waking up, I just lied there. Thinking about the night before and what was and still was going through my head. I wasn’t sure whether I still wanted to go through with life. Yes I was alive, was it a sign? Or had I simply not taken enough…

The problem was, that I didn’t seek any help after. I didn’t tell anyone what had happened, what I’d done or what I was still thinking/ going through.

A week later, I have kept myself to myself. Haven’t spoken to anyone about it or not many people at all. I am so confused about everything. I have had to deal with a lot of issues to add into the mix, the past week too. With family issues once again being at the forefront of the problems.

I swear my issues just never go away but instead just get worse. I had been disowned and let down by my Mum, who won’t talk to me. Who knows what I have done?! Of course I’m just not the cherished and favourite child. So anything, which remotely can switch her, will, so I lost her and she know is so dismissive. I got the favourite child to ring her and she was the complete opposite to him…

I have been lied too. I was told a family member was really ill. Then they were in a car accident. I was then told to come home to see them; I had no choice about this, as I didn’t want to miss precious moments. That was what swayed me, into going back. Nothing else was for me going. I went home and once back, found out that they weren’t seriously ill, they had been in a car accident but once again, nothing serious. Which is a good thing but I would not have bothered.

Once back, I was left at home whilst they went out drinking. Nothing changes. They got back…

I am furious that I was lied to. But the fact I believe them anymore. Or that I think they have changed. Of course they haven’t. Now I just want to leave and get back to my flat. I have nothing to look forward too. I am totally lost. I feel like last weeks situation is at the forefront of my mind and I can’t get that feeling out of my mind. I am not sure how much more I can take of this…

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Seeing others suffer, is so painful…

A day of hell…

So I watched a documentary on people who have gone through similar things than myself and instead of making me think this was wrong and that I should report it – like it was intended. Instead I felt so stupid. Angry at myself. Never want to disclose it again. I was hurt to hear and see others in my position and then for the authorities to not give the other person justice. No wonder so many of us keep quiet.

Not only did it make me feel this, but it brought back all the emotions, all the triggers. It was a huge mistake watching it but I thought it would be more ‘uplifting’… show people the positives of getting away… had the total opposite affect on me.

This morning was hell. Someone was knocking on my door continuously. I was scared. I didn’t want to open it. No matter who they were. I barricaded myself inside, I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.

They were getting frantic. They went to get help but I had put the chain across the door to stop anyone getting in. Although I had forgotten about the back door. I had locked myself in the bathroom, as it is the only room with locks on. But of course these are easily openable by just turning the mechanism with a coin or screwdriver. I was sat facing the wall, tears streaming down my face. I can’t cope at all.

One of the people had never seen me like this. I have no idea what they thought, a part from how did I get stuck with them?! I never mean to scare people but I am just so lost that I can’t deal with this anymore.

One of the hardest things, is that I am not getting help. Organisations just pass me on and then I never get the chance to see anyone to get the help I need. The last time I saw someone was back in December. It is just so hard to keep going when everything seems to be against me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated…

 

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I want it all to end…

So much has happened recently, that it is hard to comprehend life. When everything is so negative and every new piece of news, seems to be rubbish. How can I not feel, the way I am?

Everyday I am loosing strength. I sit and just watch the time tick away. I have no passion, I have no motivation, I have no drive to do anything.

I hate the person I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. I hate I can’t do anything right. I hate being let down by so many people.

Being constantly told you aren’t good enough, you are a let down and that you shouldn’t bother anymore… Is really having its toll on me. Not only having all this emotional and verbal a**** (I find it hard to say the word sometimes). Knowing that my health is deteriorating too, makes it all much much harder. Nearly 2 weeks since the start of this illness and I am still suffering. Vomiting, coughing up blood, loss of a voice, blurry vision… The list goes on. No one seems to care. The doctor said it would be gone in a few days and that clearly hasn’t happened. I just don’t want it to be serious. It is having a huge impact, as I feel so weak that it is hard to push myself around. Not just with being ill but as I get no sleep – at the moment I am suffering really badly with nightmares. They are very vivid nightmares of flashbacks and memories that I start to panic and get myself all worked up. This means my days are stuck inside and mainly in my bed.

One day last week, I cut all communications out. Phone was switched off, laptop wasn’t turned on. I locked and barricaded myself inside. I was lost. I was scared. I had no power. I had no control. I thought it was the end and now I wish it was. I can’t seem to control anything anymore. Conversations with certain people, are tipping me over the edge. I don’t want any contact from them but even voicemails are killing me. I just can’t seem to get away from it all. After so many years (multiple figures) I don’t think I can take much more.

Everything is a huge struggle. I want to leave. I want it all to end.

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Sitting in the darkness…

I saw this and it instantly felt so true:

‘How did I get here I ask myself,
Sitting in the darkness questioning my life.
A prisoner held by invisible bars,
My memory constantly picking at my life’s scars.
Battles I have lost over the years
Constantly played over reducing me to tears.
My life Is a series of regret,
Missed opportunities, dreams never met.
I have become a burden on my family though they wouldn’t agree,
They say they love me, but it’s just empty words to me.
How did I get here I ask myself’
– Susan Logan.

I don’t ever post things like that but it really sums up how I am feeling. Not only am I having to deal with everything and the rubbish news about my rehabilitation last week. I have now been struck down with a really bad illness. I haven’t eaten anything since Thursday, I’ve totally lost my voice, the light hurts my eyes and the pain in my back is piercing. My doctor had to come and see me and told me that if I am not better, in the next couple of days, then I will be admitted into hospital. That is the last place I want to go. Considering every time I go, it seems to be bad news.

I just want one day to not have any worry, any stress or anything to deal with. Why is this so hard to get?

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